I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
