i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Randomize
