I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
The air was thick with penises
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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