dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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