my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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