we're chasing vodka with high fives
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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