he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
