At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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