I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
