im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
