I think my vagina is haunted
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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