On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
