Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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