The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
