Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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