I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
