sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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