i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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