Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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