her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
