I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
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I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
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And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Shame is for Republicans.
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