I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Randomize
