she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
