You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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