he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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