do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
