i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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