Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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