1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
