i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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