I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
