I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
