Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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