Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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