Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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