I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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