I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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