It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
