when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
You ruined the universe
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
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