I murdered the dance floor call the cops
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
