I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
