i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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