My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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