The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
