my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
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Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
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Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
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