omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
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