also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
