i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
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