He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
My liver just had a heart attack.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
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