The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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