I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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