sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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