You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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