go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
